So, what is this term about? "Hoovering" is a term used to describe a particular type of behavior in a relationship where one partner tries to re-engage the other after a period of separation or breakup. The term is often used to describe the behavior of a narcissistic or emotionally manipulative individual who tries to suck their former partner back into the relationship.

The term "hoovering" is named after the brand of vacuum cleaners, as it is used to describe the act of "sucking" someone back into the relationship. It was popularized by author and psychologist Susan Forward, who wrote a book called "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You."

The narcissist’s tactics are often part of a larger pattern of manipulation and control over the target and that the narcissist's ultimate goal is to regain control over their target. If you are the target, it’s possible to shift the power dynamic piece by piece beginning with the target’s ability for awareness. Not self-awareness but awareness. Awareness of one’s experience and recognizing patterns is a great way to begin your departure from the narcissist without having to do anything other than be observant. 

One of the little-known tools that I teach my clients is my number one observation in working with my clients: Narcissists are predictable. For a target, awareness of this proves over and over to be one of the most underutilized and powerful tools that can transform your power dynamic. 

Here are six predictable behaviors of the narcissist when they are engaging in hoovering. Print them and tape them to your bathroom mirror when they leave after deciding they want a new life with a new partner and everything associated with their former life, including their children (regardless of age) has ceased to exist. 

Prepare for them to come back in some way or manner. If they don’t, drop me a line. But I’m betting that they will. So, if they do, let’s make sure it’s the LAST time. 

Six Predictable Hoovering Tactics

1. Charm and flattery: A narcissist may use compliments, gifts, and flattery to win their target back. They may also use their charisma and charm to make the target feel special and wanted.
2. Guilt-tripping: The narcissist may play on their target's emotions by making them feel guilty for ending the relationship. They may blame their own behavior (projecting) on their target or try to make them feel responsible for the problems in the relationship.
3. Promise of change: Ah, the go-to. The narcissist may promise to change their behavior or make amends for past wrongs, but these promises are often empty with minimal changes in their behavior that last days and for some, just hours.
4. Pretend to have changed: A narcissist may act as if they have changed, and try to convince their target that they are a different person now. This can be a new kind of con for the astute narcissist. Some narcissists will educate themselves on the language that indicates the narcissist is working/has worked with a therapist to address their changes. This can be particularly effective if the target wants to believe that the narcissist has changed.
5. Play on shared history: The narcissist may remind their target of the positive aspects of their relationship, such as shared experiences and good times. They may also use this shared history to make their target feel like they owe it to the relationship to give it another chance.
6. Threats and ultimatums: The narcissist may use threats and ultimatums to control their target, such as threatening to harm themselves or others if the target does not come back.

It's important to recognize that these tactics are often part of a larger pattern of manipulation and control, and that the narcissist's ultimate goal is to regain control over their target. If you are the target of hoovering, it's important to be aware of these tactics and to have a plan in place for how to resist them. If you are interested in learning more about shifting the power dynamic in your relationship, please contact us at clientcare@evolved-law.com.