Taylor Swift’s Anti-Hero tells a story of one who has an “aha” moment where she realizes that it’s HER that’s the problem. SHE’S the one causing the drama and conflict. The theory is that this is Taylor recognizing that she’s the narcissist. But wait. It doesn’t really happen like that. What often is the reality is that the target is the one being called the narcissist. The abuser has learned the terms that could describe their personality traits and then projects them on to the target, gaslighting and repeatedly telling the target that it's THEM. THEY are the Problem.
So, are you a narcissist?
Maybe. Research suggests that we all have narcissistic traits to some extent.
Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance, entitlement, and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists often have early un-healed childhood experiences of neglect, abandonment, criticism, or abuse from primary caregivers. These experiences can create feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and a fear of rejection or abandonment, which in turn lead to the development of narcissistic coping mechanisms, such as a strong sense of entitlement, a need for control, and a lack of empathy for others.
Let’s be clear at the outset-- I have known few, if any, narcissists who can self-reflect. But be forewarned—narcissists are master manipulators. I’ve worked among many who are skilled at manipulating others by presenting themselves as self-reflective and aware of their own flaws and shortcomings.
It's a con.
This manipulation is part of a larger pattern of behavior aimed at gaining power and control over others.
Here are some ways that narcissists may manipulate by pretending to be self-reflective:
Feigning vulnerability: By appearing to be vulnerable and open about their own flaws, a narcissist may gain the trust and empathy of others, making it easier for them to manipulate and control those individuals.
Using false self-reflection to mask abusive behavior: A narcissist may use self-reflection to pretend that they are aware of their negative behavior, when in reality, they are not actually willing to change.
Pretending to be "in therapy" to gain credibility: A narcissist may falsely claim to be in therapy and working on their issues, as a way to gain sympathy and credibility, when in reality they may not be committed to any meaningful self-improvement.
Using "apologetic" language to justify abusive behavior: A narcissist may use language that sounds apologetic, but is actually meant to justify their own behavior and place blame on others.
So. Is this YOU? Do you recognize these traits in yourself? I would be willing to bet that if you have reached the end of this post, YOU aren’t the narcissist here. You are Target. So, get educated and empowered on how to separate from the narcissist. If you want to turn the tables, let’s talk about how my coaching can help.
